I wish that I had something clear to say tonight, but I have a headache. So, rather than setting the bar high with technicality, I will level with you all in my sincerity. I have never been one to hold back with words, but for some reason I feel that they are not coming out as smoothly as I wish. It's as if my brain is a computer and it has a glitch. Still, I will attempt to write, because that is what one must do when she fears something. She must face it. So as I face the machine, I will write to it and against it simultaneously.
Ever feel like your brain is fixated on something so much, that it distorts the world around you? Well, I have been having a rebellious whim in noticing that people often fixate on things on a collective scale. In other words, they are in part conditioned and largely biologically drawn to focus on certain ideas... like fashion (beauty?), sex, food, money...success, etc. However, I don't think the fixations allow us to communicate on a higher spiritual level. It's almost as if we are chasing some abstract symbols in attempt to feel more grounded in our reality... but those very fixations leave us coming up short...emotionally. 
Perhaps feeling an ambiguity of emotions means that I don't have much clarity on what I feel about my own fixations. Right now my emotions are bound up in a wiry ball of electricity in my chest. I wish that I could face the things I am fixated on... and fix them. Perhaps my emotions wouldn't feel so enslaved if I freed myself with great tenderness and understanding about the true nature of my "being" rather than the stereotypes and the interactions that denounce it . I have spent so much time being conditioned by the media... and indirectly by the media, when interacting with people who have rooted their sense of identity from the media. (It's not all of the media's fault, it is just a clearer picture of what ideas "sell" and in essence what the larger populous is willing to buy into. The media just exposes society's fixations...)Now, in order to understand the parts I am unaware of I have to defragment... and detach.
I have often looked to expressing my being with my music; still yet, communicating the wound up ball is near impossible. Freeing up the emotions is vital in understanding and communicating them.
I think I understand why so many great artists are drug addicts... it gives them the courage to disorient from the collective experience and connect with their higher more aware state of "being." I am willing and courageous enough to try it without the drugs. Hopefully, I can find it in my heart to forgive society for the mess it has made of me (in that it never really creates the space for me to cultivate "me") and move forward with myself.
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"As sCaRed, as sillY, as joyous, as shameless, as VIBRANT, as DARK, as YOU can BE! Let it pour through you RESPECTFULLY, in the name of PEACE. We uphold TRUTH! To life a life as COLORFUL as you!" - Jaclyn Shaw ("Live Your Art" Movement)
Are you LiSteNinG?? Jaclyn Shaw's Music
