Setting Goals~ December 15, 2013

My goal for the week was to play out at least twice and start recording. I played at two Jersey venues that have a really soft, inviting energy - Espresso Joe's (In Keyport) and Dragonfly Café (In Somerville). I did fulfill the live performance goal; however, I didn't record as often as I wanted to. I barely recorded a guitar track for "Darlin', Don't Fight Me." I am feeling the perfectionist bubbling within me. It can be a good thing, in terms of doing my best on my musical compilation CD.

I know that there are two sides to being my best. The first side involves vulnerability, or play. When I "play,"  I am not trying to control my energy or place it in a box so much, but to release into it with sincerity. The second side of it involves "the work" aspect of this life. Playing random venues is not enough. Working my talent to the point where I can feel satisfied with a recorded performance is my goal. The work process requires discipline, but not to the point where I shut down- as I often shut down artistically when I push too hard. It just merely requires that I stick to a schedule with myself and by myself so that I can grow in my art.

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"As sCaRed, as sillY, as joyous, as shameless, as VIBRANT, as DARK, as YOU can BE! Let it pour through you RESPECTFULLY, in the name of PEACE. We uphold TRUTH! To life a life as COLORFUL as you!" - Jaclyn Shaw ("Live Your Art" Movement)

Are you LiSteNinG??  Jaclyn Shaw's Music

Society's effect on the artist... A Mess of Emotion due to Conditioning

I wish that I had something clear to say tonight, but I have a headache. So, rather than setting the bar high with technicality, I will level with you all in my sincerity. I have never been one to hold back with words, but for some reason I feel that they are not coming out as smoothly as I wish. It's as if my brain is a computer and it has a glitch. Still, I will attempt to write, because that is what one must do when she fears something. She must face it. So as I face the machine, I will write to it and against it simultaneously.

Ever feel like your brain is fixated on something so much, that it distorts the world around you? Well, I have been having a rebellious whim in noticing that people often fixate on things on a collective scale. In other words, they are in part conditioned and largely biologically drawn to focus on certain ideas... like fashion (beauty?), sex, food, money...success, etc. However, I don't think the fixations allow us to communicate on a higher spiritual level. It's almost as if we are chasing some abstract symbols in attempt to feel more grounded in our reality... but those very fixations leave us coming up short...emotionally. 

Perhaps feeling an ambiguity of emotions means that I don't have much clarity on what I feel about my own fixations. Right now my emotions are bound up in a wiry ball of electricity in my chest. I wish that I could face the things I am fixated on... and fix them. Perhaps my emotions wouldn't feel so enslaved if I freed myself with great tenderness and understanding about the true nature of my "being" rather than the stereotypes and the interactions that denounce it .

I have spent so much time being conditioned by the media... and indirectly by the media, when interacting with people who have rooted their sense of identity from the media. (It's not all of the media's fault, it is just a clearer picture of what ideas "sell" and in essence what the larger populous is willing to buy into. The media just exposes society's fixations...)Now, in order to understand the parts I am unaware of I have to defragment... and detach.

I have often looked to expressing my being with my music; still yet, communicating the wound up ball is near impossible. Freeing up the emotions is vital in understanding and communicating them.

I think I understand why so many great artists are drug addicts... it gives them the courage to disorient from the collective experience and connect with their higher more aware state of "being." I am willing and courageous enough to try it without the drugs. Hopefully, I can find it in my heart to forgive society for the mess it has made of me (in that it never really creates  the space for me to cultivate "me") and move forward with myself.

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"As sCaRed, as sillY, as joyous, as shameless, as VIBRANT, as DARK, as YOU can BE! Let it pour through you RESPECTFULLY, in the name of PEACE. We uphold TRUTH! To life a life as COLORFUL as you!" - Jaclyn Shaw ("Live Your Art" Movement)

Are you LiSteNinG??  Jaclyn Shaw's Music

Chaotic... (yet stable).... Excuse me as I Ramble

The "should" way of life is derived from a general consensus' opinion and society's endless capacity to label. The "should" way takes timing into account, simplifies things, and disciplines us. The "should" way defines life as a game with right and wrong answers. As people obsess about answers, they become more controlling and collectively cloud my path.

The "Should" way of living is fallible because it denies "Chaos." (and by avoiding chaos, it somehow creates more.)

Friends, loved ones, and acquaintances who are confident in the attainment of my immediate goals, tend to forget how much I love chaos. Sometimes, when I see myself too clearly through the illusion of their eyes, I can forget how much I adore the mystery of it all. When their commands and suggestions overwhelm me with fear, I tend to ask: "What if the unfolding of the universe can only occur if chaos is present? What if the answers to life's questions are found in an infinite mystery?"

Why do I appreciate choas? Well...I am "okay" with chaos because:

Chaos (chance) births the overwhelming arousal that accompanies the wind of a new day as it slaps me in the face.

The vibrance of my individuality and the possibility of my free will dwell within brief moments of chaos (variability), before I decide what I choose.

Chaos paints the nuances of emotional intensity (irrationality) of my psyche and the rhythm of my emotional flow.  And provides the platform to create intrinsic interpretation. Chaos makes me vulnerable, sad, angry, excited, and hopeful.

Chaos (unpredictability) creates character traits like resiliency, humility, and compassion.

Chaos (randomness) make me imperfect and unique.

So how will I find my personal answers within the chaos of the mystery unveiled? By increasing the varied capacity and embracing the chaos. And, yeah... signs.

Signs, you ask? You know, those abstract external ones that send messages to my inner most being. Those synchronicities that bloom inside the dead of night like miracle messages... pointing like a compass to my path: to the sky, the ground, the ocean, my heart!

Instead of seeking signs in the abundant chaos around me, I have been narrowly listening to the guidance of others and we all know what happens when we count too much on others... (don't we?)

As much as I love chaos , to be continually in the state of appending decision, is not healthy. So, I claim a healthy balance! Chaos is an ephemeral state, and order, more stable... but, chaos should neither be ignored nor should it be looked down upon. It's not that bad: It is what you make it...

Here is my personal sense, do with it what you please. I will be open to trotting down eccentric paths, to deepen my understanding of life's mystery, while maintaining a stable enough mind for the choosing.

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"As sCaRed, as sillY, as joyous, as shameless, as VIBRANT, as DARK, as YOU can BE! Let it pour through you RESPECTFULLY, in the name of PEACE. We uphold TRUTH! To life a life as COLORFUL as you!" - Jaclyn Shaw ("Live Your Art" Movement)

Are you LiSteNinG??  Jaclyn Shaw's Music

Week Of Solace and Snow

As I sit in the stillness, being tempted to move… knowing full well that I must ...It seems like the beginning of the sentence, but this is where I've been all week. I have been at the beginning. I have been plotting the web of songs as my emotions gather and fester inside me. It has been a rough couple of weeks, as I was in a brief whirlwind of a relationship… That left me craving honesty. 
Honesty with myself is about all of what I relish at this moment. Although I am not a pop singing sensation (nor do I think I want to be…), I do feel that this blogging regimen is helping me to grow. It is keeping me busy with my soul. If we are indeed in a realm of opposites, this moment makes most sense. It seems that from a place of extreme apathy and numbness, can come such abundant enthusiasm and fulfillment. Extreme opposites meet in song, for some reason. Song is my path… And with this path I present what I just created a couple of minutes ago. Pushing myself to express, with much resistance and lost hope.       


Here is a sound file of what I made today (TOTALLY ROUGH): 

So Cry a Teardrop in My Name

You sat in the middle of a venue I used to play
Longing for both me and a reason to break
Searching for a smooth skin to wrap yourself in
You know you wore mine thin

So cry a teardrop in my name
So lie with this girl; It's all the same
Cry me a tear, cry me a lake
Swim to your limits, swim till you sink

Will I sink to the bottom
While you kick me away
Become ash in your clouds
As you ignite a new flame
Passing your torch to all the women you claimed
Their sorrow collects on your face

So cry a teardrop in my name
So lie with this girl; It's all the same
Cry me a tear, cry me a lake
Swim to your limits, swim till you ache

Blame me for my closed doors
Wallow in your drinks
Kiss her and dismiss her
While you hurt me once again

So cry a teardrop in my name
So lie with this girl; It's all the same
Cry me a tear, cry me a lake
Swim to your limits, swim till you break

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"As sCaRed, as sillY, as joyous, as shameless, as VIBRANT, as DARK, as YOU can BE! Let it pour through you RESPECTFULLY, in the name of PEACE. We uphold TRUTH! To life a life as COLORFUL as you!" - Jaclyn Shaw ("Live Your Art" Movement)

Are you LiSteNinG??  Jaclyn Shaw's Music

Finding Resolution

This New Years, I proclaim to be dedicated to my sound. I met an artist recently, who has inspired me to pursue my expression a bit more adamantly and most importantly, to share my progress...

I am recording a live acoustic jam weekly as a vow to my expression.  Sharing my progress is a humble act. It is not meant to be listened to as a professional recording, but to be shared so that listeners can hear where I am at (emotionally, musically).

Since I have been focused on simplifying my complex reality, I wrote a song 20 minutes ago that with 3 chords to it. I strummed it clumsily, and sang it out. I made the words up as I went.

Here it is  :)

He's a bold light
A fighter with a suitcase
He's got electric eyes
And a puzzle in his mind
And if he finds the pieces
Line so perfectly to me
Will he place me in a dream
I ought to be in

It's been a while and a half
And it feels like a minute
Would he hold me back
If I let him win it
I think his smile is stupid
But I'd still like to see it

And if I yell too loud, will you keep on coming back to me
And if I break loose, will you pave the path to set me free
And if I lie next to you, will you break me in two?

He's a fine line, I'd like to cross it
When he gives me a mile
I'd take it and get lost in it
Toss my fingers to my boss
And punch my heart like keys
He wants to keep me silly

And if I yell too loud, will you keep on coming back to me
And if I break loose, will you pave the path to set me free
And if I lie next to you, would you dream for two?
Would you dream too?

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"As sCaRed, as sillY, as joyous, as shameless, as VIBRANT, as DARK, as YOU can BE! Let it pour through you RESPECTFULLY, in the name of PEACE. We uphold TRUTH! To life a life as COLORFUL as you!" - Jaclyn Shaw ("Live Your Art" Movement)

Are you LiSteNinG??  Jaclyn Shaw's Music